A Path Through

As I sit here on chemo eve (yeah trying to make things festive), I am thinking about all I have learned in the past six days. Here are just a few of my world shattering lessons of the week.

1. I’m normal (who knew)….. So, on day one post chemo I was fairly certain I was going to FLY through this. I was feeling good, like REALLY good, nothing really different…eating, sleeping, doing that life thing. Yup, I figured that I was part of the 0.00000001% who was basically showing the drugs who was boss. That said, I should probably take “normal” out of the first part of this paragraph and replace with the word “stupid”. I will stop short of saying I was wrong as my husband reads this blog and I can not have documented proof that I was less correct than I normally am, I have a reputation to protect people!

2. Chemo meds have a time limit…..Please refer to #1 and my overly confident approach to Tuesday and how things would play out. It appears that my chemo meds will mask some of the “fun” symptoms of chemo for the FIRST 2 days (and that includes the day of treatment). For the next 15 sessions, we will be officially renaming Wednesday to “WHAT THE FLIPPING HECK IS HAPPENING TO ME- day’” Enough said.

3. Fatigue is real…..Have you ever taken a shower after getting up, dried your self off (well partially) and then gone back to bed because you need a nap? Notice that I didn’t reference getting dressed in that question? Nope…getting dressed may require a second nap.

Yes I have lived a day where simply talking (and sounding somewhat smart) was exhausting. This for me is one thing that I will struggle with managing. Why you ask? Very honestly, cancer is taking up such a swath of my life, I am grasping to hold on to normalcy. For me that is being a working mom who could juggle 15 issues at a time and be successful. Fatigue is resulting in an inability to juggle as many balls and the ones that I am juggling are dropping with great regularity. I do not like this at all.

4. Ginger ale is the new Sauvignon Blanc – Ohhhhh there is nothing like cool ginger ale with soda crackers to address “flutter tummy”. I prefer the 2021 vintage served in a glass, or a can, or heck I will take it on the floor if it will stop me from wanting to vomit in the middle of a Zoom call! This past week has brought me back to being pregnant with my daughter where I lived on meds to control morning, afternoon, evening, and yes night sickness. Actually I could approach chemo the same way….it’s a hill to climb but the reward will be worth it. I just hope the tumor I am slowly killing keeps its room cleaner!

5. Emotions happen…..I have shed tears of fatigue, frustration, sadness, and yes, even anger over the past week. Many are private tears, you know that “shower cry” where you can blame a tear streaked face on the water. However, a few have made it into everyday interactions, where I find myself brushing them away in frustration at the fact I am breaking so soon. I have also laughed and it has lifted the weight to a point that I can breath and smile. There is no way I can explain the physical release of laughing until your stomach hurts and the right kind of tears are coming from your eyes.

With all this, I can say that those around me have allowed me to feel what I need to. I have been held and given hugs (virtual and in person), people have made time just to listen to everyday life, they have encouraged, they have understood without judgement. Not one person has told me to suck it up….except one…ME. Reality is, I am not half as kind to myself as others are. The bar I set for myself is high, so I never feel as if I have disappointed others. This has challenges even outside of the world of cancer. Every reminder of the true challenge that lies ahead simply ticks me off (I had another word, but this is a PG 14 post) . I think I have some personal learning to do as those around fully understand what I have been unwilling to consider let alone accept….I am strong, but this will be something that may break me at times.

6. Every day is a new adventure….. I have not had a single day where I have felt the same. I have had a sore tongue, nausea, killer sharp joint pain, fatigue, insomnia, a sore breast, aching under my arm, the bowel brothers (you know Rush and No Need to Hurry), burning throat, facial flushing, hot flashes, cold flashes, pain flashes, you name it and it flashed….and all of this was at different times and on different days. So clearly chemo has a PRETTY sick sense of humor. If I didn’t hate it so much, I would really be thoroughly impressed.

7. Hair loss has started …..So fun fact, I have lost my nose hairs (oh will the glamour that is my life ever stop?). As a result, my nose is a tap. Seriously, Kleenex is sending my thank you notes as their stock is through the roof! What cancer didn’t seem to kindly consider is that chemo and spring….well, all I can say is that if you see me next with two Kleenex twisted up and shoved up my nose, don’t ask questions….just pass me the box and walk away! So far, that is the most noticeable hair issue…but the brush is indicating that the next expected side effect is slowly starting….and there will be a shower cry (or two) as that happens.

I know my focus is on staying “healthy”, limiting exposure risks, managing side effects, and not wanting to fall asleep mid-sentence (the struggle is real people). The weeks ahead there will be my son’s 14th birthday, spring break, Easter, and many other things that have fun and memories that need to be made. My inside child is on the ground throwing an epic fit because of this, with the knowledge nothing will or CAN change at the moment. I miss my simple complicated cancer free life, but I am telling the screaming child slapping their hands on the floor of my mind that normal will return, it will just take a few months. In the meantime, our king sized bed has turned into a movie theatre and my posse and I are making the best out of the situation, and have embraced what was important, simply being together.

8. I miss being “me”…..My daughter went out for sushi on Friday after being invited by her friend and her mom. She had a blast and was so excited to tell me about her adventure. It was so kind of them to do this and she NEEDS moments like that right now. That said, I found myself getting jealous that I can’t be the mom I was, who embraced adventures. I know, it sounds ridiculous and not a moment to be proud of.

On a final note…to my incredible husband, my chemo buddy, my cheerleader. Despite what I said in learning #1, I promise to be less right than I am normally at least ONCE a month through this journey. Honestly, you deserve it for all I am putting you through……I might even say the actual word (you know the opposite of right), and you have my blessing to even write it on the calendar to document the event…in pen!

So there you have it, one week in and I am a bit smarter. However, I am certain I will be writing something next week that speaks to the fact I am still stupid (well I may not be AS stupid)… but learning is to be expected as you are finding a path through.