A Path Through

Well, it happened; I lost my taste. I realized something was off when I looked down at a half-eaten cheeseburger with the pickle sticking out and a bite missing. There was no familiar briny dill flavor in my mouth; there was also no tang of the mustard or ketchup or even a sense of the onions that littered the bun. For a moment, I stared at the partially eaten item and tried to convince myself that I had been so hungry that I had not chewed. However, as my parents actually raised me to have manners the reality of the situation was something I couldn’t deny. As I sat and looked at the remainder of the pickle, all I could think was “well THIS sucks”.

Fact is, cancer has and will continue to introduce a stream of loss into my life and like the pickle, I have to accept that I may not have a taste for it.

With my diagnosis, the loss focused on my sense of control over my life. The structure of my pre-cancer world was something that made me feel protected, secure, and focused on long term plans that would see retirement, grandkids, travel, etc. Now, my life has become less forward focused, more on the immediate future. My life is managed through a fridge door full of sticky notes with appointment dates and times, medication schedules and reminders. The ability to make some of the simplest of plans are cross referenced against where I am on my chemo cycle and what might be the side effect “de jour” that would impact a successful outcome. The future for the moment is getting through chemo, surgery, radiation, and then hoping I can manage to put up a Christmas tree as part of my recovery celebration.

There is the loss of a future that does not have cancer in it. Will I beat this (yes I will)? Will the tumor react positively to chemo (it sure as heck better)? What happens if it doesn’t shrink (I will kick it’s ass)? Is our assumption correct that the cancer is only in the breast (I HAVE to believe this)? Surgery is more than 20 weeks away and a lot can happen in that amount of time. Heck, 20 weeks ago I was making Thanksgiving dinner, completely oblivious to the fact I even HAD cancer growing in my body, and look at where I am now….unable to taste a pickle!

I have also faced a loss of innocence when it comes to appointments, scans, follow-ups, general aches and pains wondering if cancer is lurking, even if it is just a fleeting thought. For the rest of my life I will have moments where I wonder when or if it will pop into my life, taking me down another more challenging path.

Then there is the loss of doing the things that I enjoy, but the risk outweighs the fun. An example being that I love to swim. You would think bobbing around in a pool of water would be safe right? Nope, there are many nasty little critters in pool water that would love to catch a ride on THIS zero immunity pool toy. Even going to events like fairs and concerts are a challenge and then throw in COVID; the decision to participate becomes a bit more complex, and well, what is the fun in that.

Cancer has also resulted in a loss of personal comfort boundaries. Let’s be honest, since I have been diagnosis I feel like I am a 20 year old on spring break in Florida showing her boobs to EVERYONE! Difference is, my girls are being assessed by clinicians, rather than the drunken masses on Miami beach.

There is also the physical loss. The taste, the hair, and let’s not forget a breast or two (and the little tumor that has moved in). Oddly, the one thing that hasn’t happened is the loss of weight, which is proof cancer has a sense of humour….a sick sense of humour, but humour none the less.

Now in reading the above, it appears that I am having a bit of a pity party and maybe I am , but I’m not done yet.

Cancer has brought the loss of communication barriers to my busy life. I have spoken more to family and friends in the past 2 months than I have in years. We have made concerted efforts to connect with frequency and when we talk, it is meaningful. Every conversation includes laughter and at times a few tears. But we are taking the time to be fully invested in the conversation and it has been fantastic. This has been a reminder to us all that it should not have taken cancer to make this happen, but we have embraced the opportunity that we have been given to make this right.

Cancer has resulted in the loss of my previous distrust of the medical system. When I was sick in 2012, my experience with the health care system was….at best, poor. From attitude, accessibility, support, you name it; I experienced the negative side of it. However, since this cancer journey started, there has not been a single moment that I have not felt cared for and supported. From physicians, nurses, technicians, support teams, you name it….the level of care has touched me so deeply, and made me feel so safe. It is amazing how having cancer has allowed me to experience the true compassion of those dedicated to helping me on my path through.

However, if I were to speak to the most significant loss that cancer has brought to my life, it would be the loss of the willingness to allow a sea of negative thoughts to impede my focus on the positive. Life is tough, there are bills to pay, taxes and interest rates are going up, the world stage is a hot mess now, you need to insert your first born into the gas pump to get $10 worth of fuel. But with all of this in mind, I am married to an incredible man, I have two healthy wonderful kids, I have a fantastic job, a beautiful home, wonderful friends and family. There is not a day that goes by where I am not thankful for the life I have. It is one I work hard for, but there has been a sprinkle of luck and a dash of good fortune as well.

Yes, I have cancer and nope, this is not something I thought I would need to deal with. But it is what it is. As I fight this fight, I will do it with the understanding that I may not be able to taste the pickle, but the burger still looks awesome….and I will simply have to imagine how good it tastes as I walk the path through!