A Path Through

One of the impacts of chemotherapy is of course the loss of hair.

The typical area of chemo related hair loss is your head (hair, eyebrows, nose, and eyelashes) and areas such as underarms. I got a little cheeky when sitting with my Oncologist and I leaned over to quietly mention to my husband that I was about getting an easy “Brazilian”, only to have my doctor quickly interject that hair on your legs and private areas are not generally impacted by chemo. So, to clarify, where you WANT to have hair, you won’t….not seeing that as a catch phrase for selling chemo side effects?

When you begin chemo, you are advised to expect hair loss as soon as two weeks into treatment. The rate of loss can be gradual (a few strands at a time) or it can fall out quickly (think using hair remove by mistake instead of shampoo!). There is no hard and fast rule as it really is reflective of the drugs being used and the impacts on each individual.

As I have shared previously, my nose hairs have almost all jumped ship (or nose) within two weeks of starting chemo. However, as I have entered my third week of treatment, things are changing, quickly.

Two days ago as I sat watching TV, I casually ran my hand through my hair. As I removed it, I was surprised to see that there were several strands of hair in my hand. I quickly did a few more swipes and more hair appeared . As I sat and looked at the strands that had accumulated in my palm, my heart broke. I looked across the room at my husband and sadly showed him the hair, and despite every effort to control my emotions, the tears came. Both he and my dad were quick with their comfort and encouraging words, however the reality of the situation was hitting for them as well. It may sound funny to cry over hair, however it is more than that.

On my first Oncology appointment in early February, I sat across (and within clear hearing range) of an older woman who was loudly chatting to her friend. In this conversation the woman spoke about how she had been told that she would loose her hair as part of her cancer treatment. She then proceed to tell her friend that she would be fine with that as she was not vain, and it was just hair. Her comment made me angry (yes folks, I get angry) as the emotional impacts of hair loss does not mean you are vain, it means you are HUMAN. To classify it as anything else is short sighted and in my books, cruel.

I really need to make it clear that this is not about “HAIR”. I understand it grows back. I do not have an unnatural attachment to my hair, however I was finally starting to become comfortable with the silver that was creeping in. I am not a person who takes hours on my hair and there are days where a messy ponytail is the best that will be offered; and I am not too proud to say that my bedhead has frightened even me in the mirror. I get it, it is hair, just hair and it is falling out as I am fighting cancer.

However, this next step on my journey is a difficult one for me for many reasons. Allow me to explain.

Right now, except for the fatigue you may see on my face, you do not know that I have cancer. I look as I did in December when this all started…. but this is about to change. With the loss of my hair, the battle I am fighting becomes less personal, more out in public. I am loosing my “cancer anonymity” per say. I am not certain if that makes sense (especially as I am openly sharing this journey in a written form), however very honestly, I am not looking for validation of my feelings on this either.

When I sit in the lab each Sunday for my pre-chemo blood work and in the chemo room each Monday, I am acutely aware of those showing their “hairless battle scars”. How they chose to cover their loss varies; hats, scarves, wigs, chemo beanies and some have taken the approach of “wear it bald, wear it proud”. Each of these cancer warriors are finding a way to deal with this loss in a manner that THEY are comfortable with and I admire their strength.

When I see someone who matches that “chemo” profile, I am met with an overwhelming desire to ask them questions. “How did you manage when it started to happen? Is there anything you can suggest? WHERE did you find that beanie? How are YOU doing?” Seriously, the questions could just keep coming. But I stop short of actually asking the person as they, like me, are dealing with their loss of cancer anonymity. Instead, I make an effort to make eye contact and smile, even if it is only an eye smile because the mask is covering the rest, as they are warriors in my eyes.

I have spoken with cancer survivors who have said that their loss of hair actually changed the way that people interacted with them. Strangers were a bit kinder, more understanding. As much as that is a comfort, I find it odd that having a visual indication of illness would be a reason to be kind to a person, however that is a blog for another day.

Also, I will admit that I am dealing with another worry with this pending baldness. It is a concern for those I am interacting with in my every day world and a desire to assure they are comfortable with dealing with my physical change. I don’t want them to look at me differently, or shift uncomfortably when they seem me. I want them to see me….as ME not the cancer I am fighting. I am the same person I have always been….just a bit more tired and off balance.

Even more personally, I am concerned about the impact on my family, my kids, and especially my husband. He is going through this as well, albeit from a different view and emotional impact. Now, I need to really stress that this is a VERY one sided concern (and it is mine) as I am married to a guy who has been with me through so many challenges and he sees the physical scars of my previous battles each day. He has never wavered in is love for me and his mantra is that I am beautiful no matter what. He has been by my side reminding me that his love is not attached to my hair…it is attached to my heart and soul. The hair is nothing to having me healthy and telling him to pick up his socks from the floor for another 30 years…MINIMUM. Yeah I know, he is pretty incredible AND you read it here…he is planning on leaving his socks on the floor for another 30 years!

So, there you have it, I am not vain, I am simply a person trying to fight cancer….and the next step on the path is here.

In preparation for the inevitable, my sister has become my supplier of cool head scarfs and caps that arrive in special delivery packages from UPS. The best surprise was that she found me an OTTER beanie that is absolutely wonderful! (yeah I know…she is pretty freaking awesome!). I have also ordered a few chemo beanies online that have a bit of funky and fun to them. I highly recommend Amazon if anyone is looking. There are some great and affordable options that allow you to mix things up and keep things fresh. Personally, I have never been a wig person so do not see something like that entering into the picture, but hey who knows.

Additionally, I have stocked up on my MAC cosmetics so I can add to the departing eyebrows. I have told my family and friends that on the days where I need a laugh I will do odd eyebrows…you know things like a mono brow, one eyebrow up one down, the “surprised eyebrow that goes mid forehead”, the “drunk” eyebrow, which is only one as someone shaved off the other one when I was passed out, you have to be creative folks! I also will be looking to manage eyes without lashes and have threatened to order those fake lashes that look like you have black caterpillars on your eyes…fluffy and an inch long. My husband has expressed his thoughts on that one…not exactly positive…and I believe there was the word “No” involved…with considering all I am putting him through…I might just let him win this one….

Additionally, we are investing in a large supply of lint rollers. Why? Well, as the hair tries to regrow the chemo will remind it that it is not welcome and it will fall out. Having little pokey hairs all over is an issue, so …LINT ROLLERS! Yup…learned it on google!

On a side note, my son has informed me that he is going to shave his head in solidarity with his mom. When I expressed concerns on what kids might say at school, he was pretty darn quick with his response on not caring and telling me he was doing this for both of us. How did I end up surrounded by these incredible guys in my life? Then again, I did grow this one!

So here I sit, each day more hair is leaving me and as I look at the strands in my hand, I have a decision to make. Do I deal with the daily shed or do I take the steps to deal with the situation quickly and shave my locks off? In my heart, I know it will be the latter and by the end of the weekend I will be able to pack away the hair straightener for a few months. I am not ashamed or embarrassed to say that I will cry, but it will not be out of vanity. Rather, it will be tears of frustration over what this unwanted invader continues to take from me. However, there will also be tears of angry determination as this vial disease must understand that I will not be beaten. It can have my hair (for a while), but the line is drawn there.

My path through is still long and very soon I will walk with my head held high and a chemo beanie covering my baldness. But nothing will change my determination to come through this path cancer free and when I do, rocking a new pixie hair cut and those caterpillar eyelashes!