A Path Through

When this journey started and I was still in my google habit, I looked up “How to make it through breast cancer”.  At that point, I was looking for a magical document that would help me sail through what was ahead because that is what google is for…right? 

In my search I found that there was a theme that appeared and it was one that I was not really comfortable with.   With regularity, there was reference to allowing yourself “to be cared for”.  Sounds simple enough, right?  Sure, unless you are someone like me, who is far more comfortable on the side of doing the caring.  I do not want to, nor do I like to, impose or add emotional weight to another person.

When I started to tell people that I had breast cancer, I was methodical in my approach as my goal was to minimize any negative impact to their lives. I did not want to cause concern or distress for people, rather I wanted to assure they heard that I was positive, going to kick some cancer butt and all would be fine. This would allow them to know why I would eventually be bald and you know…that was all that needed to be said. Gotta say, I am an idiot.

Seriously, as I write this…I am reflecting back on how much I was in denial of what was truly happening to me, but also what an incredible group of people I have in my life. 

I will also say, over the past three months I have developed a vastly different definition of the term “cared for”.  I have grown to understand and cherish the genuine nature of care and compassion as well as the impact that every single gesture has had on me, and at times my family.

Very simply, I am SURROUNDED by people who are focused on taking care of me during this journey, and I could not made it to this point without every single one of them. 

There is not a day that goes by where I do not receive a message, text, email, or call from someone checking in to see how I am, telling me they are thinking of me, or encouraging me on this path.  Seriously, NOT one single day has gone by without a message. My chemo appointments are generally interrupted by a text and a funny meme that has me laughing and sharing with those around me.  All of this notes, these messages are from someone who took a moment in their day, to stop and tell me that they were there for me.

My office window is full of cards and messages that I have read and reread.  Each card, each message, again….written and sent by someone….who has my back.  Each one is a reminder to me when I feel tired, overwhelmed, discouraged; there is someone there urging me forward.

There has been so many incredible meals made and dropped off for my family.  I have accepted bags full of dishes that have fed us for days, however always telling the individuals that they should not have done all this work, gone to such expense….only to be reminded by them that they WANTED to do this.    

Our home has been filled with bright and cheery flowers from people who wanted to assure that I had something positive and beautiful to look at, as a reminder on the shaky days, that they are thinking of me, pulling for me, cheering me on. 

The delivery companies have been busy dropping special delivery packages from a province away with little pick me ups, cards, and reminders that my family is always with me, willing me forward. 

At work I have been brought to tears by staff and colleagues who have donned hats during meetings in order to reduce my discomfort with my hairless profile that I disguise with a hat or beanie.  This gesture have come at moments where I have been so low, and I have left the meetings feeling as if I can take on whatever comes next.

I was naïve when I started this journey, thinking I could do this without having to lean on others.  Even more importantly, thinking I should have to do this without relying on the strength of others.  This journey is fatiguing.  There are days when I feel as if I can hardly bounce back from one situation before I am hit with another.  It is in those moments that I look to all of you; your positive messages, your encouragement, and I am able to put one tired foot in front of the other until I have a moment to rest.

There is no way that I will ever be able to express how much every action, call, message, have meant to me. To say I feel cared for, is simply not enough. I feel loved, protected, safe, and stronger because of you all. I’m now well into this journey however I have never felt alone as I walk the path through. Thank you for being there for me, I will be forever grateful.