A Path Through

So cancer has officially been a part of my life vocabulary for a year now and it is fair to say that I have learned a lot during this journey.  One of the most important things I have brought away from the experience is that I will never be able to return to the life I once had.  This has been the reality of my bumpy start on the road to recovery. 

The reality is that cancer affects your life in many ways.  Very honestly, I will say that I have a degree of PTSD related to my experience.  An odd example of how the littlest things have impacted me at the moment would be me and hats.  I wore a cap from the middle of March 2022 until September 17, 2022 to cover my bald head and shield that I was missing eyebrows and lashes..  During this time, the only people who saw me without something on my head were my immediate family who through this entire process have surrounded me with a protective level of love and acceptance.  I took my hat off on the same day that they removed my drains after my breast surgery.  I made the decision to remove my hat as I connected it with the cancer that they had cut out of me.  Yes, in my head wearing a hat equaled me being sick.  On that day I determined that I was done being “sick” and I have not worn one since then.  In fact, I steer away from them and do not want to see myself in a hat right now.  I don’t know when I will be ready to venture down the path of the great cap wearers…..but I hope it is in time for my “I Beat Cancer” trip to Hawaii in April, otherwise the ears and nose are going to need a heck of a lot of sunscreen!

Another reality of post cancer life is the coming to an understanding of the true impacts of the battle on your body.  When you are diagnosed with cancer, your focus is on fighting the horrible disease that has invaded your body.  There are countless appointments with physicians where side effects and downstream impacts of the treatments on your body are discussed.  However, you are so busy putting on your virtual armor as you prepare for the battle of a lifetime that you tend to nod and utter acknowledgement but you are not really comprehending what is being said.  For me, I did not have the time, energy, or desire to consider the scenarios that started with “there is a possibility of “ …..nope…my head was solely focused on getting through the battle and I could not think about what came after that.

This path of recover has also taught me of the challenges to maintain a positive mindset.  I do not know if you know this, but not every pain or odd situation is an indication that cancer has returned to your body.  It could actually be…just a pain…(go figure).  I remember talking with a close family friend about this shortly after my cancer diagnoses. He had battled several different types of cancer, lost family members to the disease, and has tested positive for genetic mutations.  As we talked, he was honest in sharing that, as much as he focuses on being positive and living his best life, situations such as doctor’s appointments, blood tests, and x-rays bring a degree of unease.  Through this discussion, I made a mental note that I would not allow myself to think anything but positive thoughts as I had determined that I would be one of the 0.00000000000000001% of cancer survivors who have never had a thought that cancer might return to their lives.  As I have said in many blogs before, I am a bit of an idiot.  The fact is that even with the most positive of outlooks, there will always be moments of doubt or uncertainty and that simply comes from being a cancer warrior.

On December 1, 2022, I rang the bell that indicated that I was officially done with my cancer treatment (Way to go Me!!!).  The excitement and energy that went into reaching that moment in time truly clouded the reality of what came next.  I was done with my active cancer treatment; however, I was just starting on the path of realizing how deep the battle wounds were and how this would influence my recovery journey.  

My transition from being a cancer patient to recovering from cancer has been a complex one with several bumps already on the path already.  In blogs to come I will share a bit on the challenges, the emotions, and the celebrations as I have worked through so far.  However, I will share this part of my journey with the knowledge that one year ago I was preparing for my first chemotherapy session and the battle of my life, or should I say the battle FOR my life.  I understood that the ringing of the bell on that cold December evening was not an indication that the rest of my journey would be full of sunshine and happy otters.  However, even knowing the bumps that I have faced and the ones still ahead for me, I am still so blessed to be on where I currently am on this path through.