A Path Through

So, it is not uncommon to hear someone say that they don’t know how to “talk” to someone who has cancer. There can be an uncertainty as to what to say or not to say that results in stress and anxiety and as a result conversations are well….uncomfortable for at least one side.

As someone who enjoys talking to people and also just happens to have cancer, I figure I could help with this conundrum and provide the secret. Ready? You may want to get a pen to write this down. Go ahead…I’ll wait.

Okay, here it is … the secret is to tell yourself that you are not talking to a person with cancer, rather you are talking to a person. That’s it …full stop….don’t even start to add “with cancer”. Yup, that’s right, take the cancer out of the equation as it is part of the individuals life story….it does NOT define the individual.

I know that the above seems silly, but if you are putting the cancer ahead of the person you are fundamentally missing what is needed in the conversation. That is talking to the PERSON. For me, I am the very same person I was the day before cancer came into my life that I am now…but take far less time to do my hair now!

However, I also appreciate that for many, it can be difficult to have a conversation with someone where there is additional “emotional” considerations (this includes cancer). So with that in mind, here are a few helpful hints, from a person who loves to talk…and just happens to have cancer as part of my life story.

1. Be honest – If you are uncertain what to say, say it! I have had so many people literally say “I don’t know what to say“! That is a fantastic way to start, as the person on the other side of that comment is going to help you. When I have someone say they can’t find the words, I appreciate the truth and try to guide them through a comfortable conversation for us both. Also, it is understandable that you may stumble over your words. I have heard the pain in peoples voices as they try to find a “cancer appropriate” way of saying “This sucks. I am afraid for you. What can I say that will make a difference? Am I going to lose you?” These are such incredibly real statements, and I, for one, appreciate the level of personal honesty that comes with them.
2. Steer away from generic statements such as “How are you feeling?” – I am going to be honest…you ask me how I am feeling, you will get “fine thanks“. Am I lying? Yup most likely! However, the chance of me going through the list of things that are impacting me such as mouth sores, nausea, bowel issues, etc. are slim to none, and so “fine” works as the catch all. If you are genuinely looking to understand how I am managing the impacts of a specific treatment, ask me! This could include any of the following: “How is the chemo impacting your energy? How are thing going with your treatment? Have you found it difficult to manage the side effects? What is one thing that has surprised you about how you feel? Be clear in what you want to know, don’t fish for the “fine thanks”.
3. It is OK not to discuss cancer – For me having a conversation with someone that is not cancer focused, is a gift. The best conversation I have had for MONTHS was a few weeks ago with one of my best and longest friends. We talked about kids, jobs, parenting, travel, growing up…it was AWESOME! Don’t get me wrong, cancer snuck in here and there but it was a natural comfortable discussion. It was perfect. Cancer patients live and breathe this topic constantly and we WANT to discuss other things….regular life things…like the price of gas (oh I can talk about this for HOURS!)
4. Don’t Avoid It – Just as much as I just said we don’t need to discuss it, you do not need to skirt around the word “cancer” either as we kind of know we have it. So, if you do want to talk about it, try avoiding starting the conversation with “how are things going with the thing you have“. Honest, I promise….I have not ever replied “WHAT???? I HAVE CANCER?!?!” when someone mentions it to me. Then again, there is always a first time for everything.
5. Emotion is Understandable – I am not certain whether I have said this, but just incase I haven’t, cancer SUCKS! I actually have stronger opinions on this, however there is a time and place for THAT language, and generally a few glasses of wine are required first. Cancer brings up strong emotions for many that can include sadness, anger, fear, uncertainty, and it is OK to feel this. When I started to share my cancer diagnosis, I was actually overwhelmed at the emotions I saw in those I spoke with. I guess what I am saying is that it is okay to be human!
6. Do Not Change – Here is the thing, the only thing that has changed is that YOU are aware the person has cancer. By the time I started to share my diagnosis, I was already two months in to dealing with it. I had already been on MANY conversation with people where the knowledge was one sided and the conversation flowed naturally. Then, I shared my diagnosis….and things changed. The ease of of the interactions changed, but it really didn’t need to. I am still me, and they are still them. Do not lose track of the person you are speaking with as you are too focused on what they are dealing with.
7. Be inquisitive – If you have a question, ask it. A small suggestion would be that you preface it with something such as “Can I ask about your chemo/surgery/treatment plan….etc etc”. But read the room, don’t be asking someone you are meeting on the first day “Hey buddy, what is the plan for your prostate cancer?” Think about what you are saying, as you would with any conversation. For me, I have no issues when asked and my focus is also assuring that the person is comfortable and that I have answered their question. If I don’t have an answer I will share that too!
8. Don’t be afraid to laugh – Laughter truly is the best medicine and there are days where I so desperately need to laugh to avoid tears of sadness, frustration, or anger breaking through. I laugh in the chemo room, with my doctors, with my family, friends and colleagues, heck I laugh at myself somedays. It is not always with cancer in mind, but it is with the mentality of releasing stress, and finding the lighter side of the situation where I can and it’s appropriate. Humour can be so powerful, but as is in many of the above, know the time and place to sprinkle it in….with me…it is definitely more frequent than some but that is also because I appreciated it prior to cancer placing me on this path. Again, I am still ME and I still love a good giggle!
9. Know when all you need to do is LISTEN – There will be conversations that may be very one sided and it is not you doing the talking. These can be deeply emotional, with the individual sharing a great deal as they just need someone who will listen and respond when prompted. If this happens, embrace the level of trust the person has in you and allow the conversation to flow. But always remember unless asked, you are not there to provide a solution or challenge what is being said. Rather you are there to listen, and help the person as they work through things. You may not like what you are hearing, but know they are talking to you about how they feel, what they are thinking, and what they are going through and WOW….that says so much about the importance you have in their life. There are very few people in my world that I have these types of conversations with and I value and trust each one of them dearly.
10. Say what needs to be said if it needs to be said – In my situation, I know the end goal is “cure” and a happy end to the path through. However, I am more than aware that this is not the case with far too many who are fighting this monster. Prior to having cancer I would often ask people what is harder, losing someone suddenly…or having time to say what needs to be said. The answers differed from person to person and the reasons were unique to the individual. For me, when I lost my mom, there was so much I wanted to say and didn’t. I often think had I only had an hour more to tell her all I needed to say, it would have made the loss “easier”. By losing her in the manner that I did, I had a painful learning experience that taught me that you don’t wait until there is a “reason” to say what needed to be said as you do not know what lies ahead. Tell people what they mean to you, how they have impacted your life, how much they make your day. Can you IMAGINE how much someone’s self esteem would be impacted by this? Think about a eulogy….where so much is said about a person and they can’t hear or appreciate it! How you approach having the conversation is based on the relationship you have with the person, and it is a suggestion that you set the tone. Such as “Can I share something with you? or I really need to tell you something.” Find your words and add a sprinkling of the above 1 through 9…and say what you need to say….because you are part of the conversation too! Just don’t wait…..seize the moment.

As always, the above represents my thoughts and I am fairly certain there are a few other cancer warriors who may have their own thoughts on this topic as well. The goal was just to help make the conversation easier, especially when the discussion may be a difficult one to have.

In closing, the only other thing I will say is be yourself as that is all I can ask of you if you are walking this path through beside me. I also appreciate it if you send me otter GIFs on chemo days and ALWAYS have a joke I can share with my husband! The path through is a tough one, but a smile and a giggle make every step lighter!