A Path Through

When I take a moment to look back on my journey through breast cancer so far, I need to recognize how much positive I have actually had through this fight. 

Now, don’t get me wrong…I am in no way the new spokesperson for a “Get Cancer Because It Has Positives!” campaign. I have had my share of challenges and hurdles on this path and if I had a genie on my side, cancer would no longer be a part of anyone’s lives or vocabulary.  However, as genies are in currently short supply, having anything positive associated with my cancer diagnosis is something welcomed with open and grateful arms.

In my situation, the positives have come when needed the most. This started with my initial diagnosis and scans indicating that there did not appear to any indication of the cancer having spread beyond the breast. Positivity continued with the tumor responding to chemotherapy and the major win with the positive results from my genetic testing.  Yes…even with a heartbreaking diagnosis of breast cancer there have been momentous moments of celebration.

So here is a moment of honesty. With each of the situations mentioned above I prepared myself for the worst possible outcome.  I was ready to hear that it had spread, I was ready to hear that the chemo was not working, and I was ready to be told that the genetic results indicated that my cancer journey would be more challenging.  I was ready for the worst outcome….or so I told myself.  I was ready to take on the challenge that would come from being told less than positive news. I was ready to fight.

However, there is someone in my life who was not ready for any negativity and that is my husband Sam.  When we started this journey, he looked me in the eye and told me that he was firmly putting on his positive pants and would not be taking them off until this was done.  For those who know Sam, this is a big statement. His “positive” pants are like the suit he has tucked away for special occasions….he only wears them when he really has to….but when he puts it on, he goes all in and man does he look GOOD! 

True to his word, since making this commitment to me, Sam has not waivered in his positive focus. It is his positivity that has truly helped me make it through those tough days when the fight was leaving my tired body and all I wanted to do was weep. Something else has also happened since he has become Mr. Positive Pants and this has changed the dynamics of our “typical” married couple status. Yes, ladies….my husband has actually been on a role of being dare I say…correct…or less wrong per say…and this is coming along at times when it is really needed.

I will say that for me, as wonderful as it has been to have him take on a positive focus, it has come with an added level of stress for me. I have started to worry about how manage the impact on him for that day where his positivity does not win. Now, not only am I am trying to plan and manage for the worst possible outcome, I am also trying to plan for how I can emotionally support him when he needs to work through an outcome that was not as he expected or hoped for. Now, considering his track record to date, I have been putting A LOT of effort into preparing for something that has not happened and he reminds me of this with each situation where he is more correct than I am. In fact, he has suggested that I find my own pair of positive pants and join his positive party.

Now, in previous blogs I have shared that much of what we know about my cancer has been assumptive based on tests, scans, etc. However, surgery and related biopsies would provide the much needed confirmation for much of what we were looking for related to my cancer. Going into the last two weeks prior to my surgery on September 7^th, I started to experience pain and discomfort in my right breast and under my right arm.  The pain was concerning as it was similar to what I experienced when I was originally diagnosed. Additionally, the area of pain under my arm was the same area checked at each appointment to see if the nodes were inflamed.  Knowing that it had been five weeks since my last chemo and that my cancer is an aggressive and quick growing disease, I didn’t share what was happening with Sam. I could not bring myself to admit that there would most likely be an end to the positive path we have had.  Instead, I started to talk about how if there was cancer found in the biopsy, it just meant a detour on the treatment plan (addition of a chemo pill) and radiation would be a minimum of three weeks.  I found that speaking about the outcome in this manner made it seem like “no big deal”.  Sam on the other hand, was having no part in this. With his positive pants snuggly on and cinched with a belt, he continued to say all would be fine.  However, in my heart, I knew one of us would be very wrong when it came to this situation and tears would be the result.

So, this week Sam and I headed to see my surgeon, Dr. Janzen for a follow up appointment to do a quick check of my new apples and to get the results of my biopsy. As we waited for the doctor in the same room where in January she told me I had cancer, I turned to Sam and told him how sorry I was to put him through this especially if the results were not what he was hoping. He simply squeezed my hand and told me all would be fine. My heart was breaking for what he was going to need to deal with.

As Dr. Janzen walked through the door, she simply said “we have some great news, we have some really great news”.  She then sat down and walked us through the pathology report…the beautiful incredible WONDERFUL pathology report.

• All that remained of the original tumor was 2.5 millimeters which was all removed
• All nodes indicated negative for metastases
• All tissue indicated negative for malignancy

All results indicated that the cancer has been successfully removed from my body. Yes…that is correct…Sam Positive Pants was 100% right on the outcome of the biopsy. We had won the battle.

However, there was one thing I was right about, there were tears and lots of them. These were tears of pure joy and utter relief….and both Sam and I were crying.

After a few questions regarding next steps, giving Dr. Janzen the biggest hug I could muster with my tender chest and thanking her what she said was more than ten times, Sam and I started to make our way home with the knowledge that for the first time in months, I was free of the cancer that started me on this path I am on.

As we drove home, there were many more tears as the reality of what we had just heard started to sink in. There was something else happening as well, it was my lovely husband reminding me about his positive pants that he has not taken off through this entire journey.  He knew the results would be exactly as they were, yes he was correct, not wrong, he was RIGHT!!!!  And very honestly, as I sat there listening to him, it was the happiest I have ever been to be wrong.

So, were do we go from here? 

Well, first off I can tell you that I am not even going to suggest that Sam take his positive pants off so I can wash them…those suckers are staying right where they are. Next week we meet with my oncologist to discuss the next steps in this journey. There will be radiation for sure as well as a plan that will recognize that I am still dealing with triple negative breast cancer and the need to be diligent in monitoring as we move forward.

However, as I think of the days and weeks ahead, it all feels so easy with the knowledge that we scored a major win in this battle. The remaining path through seems a bit less overwhelming and easier to walk especially knowing that I have my husband in his amazing positive pants walking beside me.