A Path Through

I am going to start this blog saying that I am very aware that I have had what could be considered a very positive cancer journey. The fact that I can say that I am free of cancer is something that brings happy tears and through all of this I have been surrounded by people who have given me nothing but love and positive encouragement. 

This journey has also allowed me time for personal reflection and over the past few weeks I have come to realize that there is something that I need to change.  You see I have a little quirk….and it directly impacts the way I deal with personal illness.

Yes, it is time to admit that I am a person who tends to minimize what I am experiencing, including the impacts on me be it mental, physical…or BOTH.  I have a habit of thinking that the situation could be much worse and I should be grateful that I am not dealing with something more significant as others are far worse off. Yes, in my mind I have told myself that I should be grateful that I got the kind of cancer that did everything we wanted it to do because others have not had that experience.  I judge my illness in comparison to others, and the verdict has me putting myself last. I have dealt with cancer and it was aggressive and required a fight in order to win. However, I never gave myself permission to acknowledge the true scope of what I was dealing with.  This may sound like a good thing as you think that I am keeping positive.  However, it is actually the opposite.

As I was preparing for radiation I saw my oncologist who referred to my surgery as “major” and referenced that my body was healing slowly as it had been through so much.  As he spoke, I slipped into my quirky state of deferral and thought it wasn’t so bad, it was only day surgery and I was growing my hair back so all was fine.  I did not stop to acknowledge that I had been through 16 sessions of chemo, lost three quarters of my breasts and a few nodes, and my body had sent up the white flag in desperation of a much needed rest.  No, in my mind it wasn’t okay to acknowledge that I had been through a lot because it could have been worse.

This quirky behaviour is not new and I think it started when I was in my teens and dealing with a health issue that was incorrectly diagnosed.  From there, well the quirk developed into the beast it is today. When I was sick with Sepsis in 2012, I would tell myself that it could be worse and I wasn’t dying (I did not understand how close I actually came to this).  In my head the focus was on getting moving and working through the pain as I had husband and two small children who needed me and l needed to get back to life and work.  I told myself not to be weak or complain about my situation as people were in worse situations. Now that I look at it, it appears that when I am sick I also am a bit stupid as well.

As I am nearing the end of my cancer treatment and preparing to move into the recovery stage, I am finding that the energy I have used to keep me focused on the “end result” is starting to leave me.  My mind and body know the fight is almost over.  However, I have found that with my constant unwillingness to acknowledge the impact of this illness, I have failed to deal with the emotional weight of the path I have traveled.  Rather, I have been too busy telling myself that others have journey’s far more challenging. 

So, we have established that I definitely should be in a twelve step program for this issue with the first step being to able to recognize the impact of the action. For me, this took place a few weeks ago when I said to my husband that I felt that I hadn’t really grieved for the loss of my breasts.  Immediately after saying this I thought that I had nothing to grieve as I still had little apples and there are women who have no breasts at all, worse yet they have lost the battle.  How in the world did I have the right to say that I was sad for what I had lost.  Yes, the quirk of minimizing what I was going through had reared it’s ugly head again. 

However, since that time something has changed.

Now please don’t get me wrong as I am in now way looking for an onslaught of sympathy.  What I am saying is that I have come to a point where I am recognizing what I am doing to myself and more importantly and the impacts. I also know that this is not something that is unique to me and there are others (and you know who you are) who are not always as kind to themselves as they should be in times of illness.

The past eleven months have been a challenge and the battle scars are both emotional and physical.  I have been through a lot and in saying this I understand that I am not weak, I am not complaining, and in no way am I minimizing what others are or have gone through. I say this knowing I should not feel guilt for acknowledging that I have been through something significant and it will take time heal.  Wow….that felt good….and I highly recommend that others try this as well!

I stepped onto this path almost a year ago and there has not been a moment where I have not learned something.  Today, I can say that I have learned to give myself permission to accept what I am going through without comparison or self judgment.  With this lesson, I know that with each step I take on the remaining path through I will be a little kinder to myself as I appreciate that the scars that I carry are those that reflect the battles I have fought and it’s okay to admit when I am weary or overcome.